what sociological theory is relevant to the topic of mate selection

4.three: Theories of Mate Selection

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• Kinesiology and Concrete Education at College of the Canyons

The Social Exchange Theory and its rational pick formula clarify the selection process even further. We strive to maximize rewards and minimize costs in our choices of a mate.

Rewards – Costs = Choice

When nosotros interact with potential dates and mates, we run a mental balance sail in our heads. She might think, "He'southward tall, confident, funny, and friends with my friends." Equally she talks a fleck more she might say, "Merely, he chews tobacco, only wants to party, and just flirted with another woman while we were talking." The entire time nosotros interact with potential dates and mates we evaluate them on their appearance, disposition, goals and aspirations, and other traits. This while simultaneously remembering how we charge per unit and evaluate ourselves. Rarely do we seek out the best looking person at the party unless we define ourselves as an even match for him or her. More often we rank and rate ourselves compared to others and as nosotros size up and evaluate potentials we define the overall commutation rationally or in an economic context where nosotros try to maximize our rewards while minimizing our losses.

The overall evaluation of the bargain also depends to a swell extent on how well we experience matched on racial and indigenous traits, religious background, social economic form, and age similarities. The complication of the date and mate option process includes many obvious and some more subtle processes that you tin can understand for yourself. If y'all are unmarried you can apply them to the date and mate selection processes you currently pursue.

How do strangers transition from not fifty-fifty knowing 1 another to eventually cohabiting or marrying together? From the very showtime encounter, two strangers begin a procedure that either excludes one another as potential dates or mates or includes them and begins the process of establishing intimacy. Intimacy is the common feeling of credence, trust, and connectedness to another person, even with the understanding of personal faults of the private. In other words, intimacy is the power to get close to 1 another, to accept one another as is, and eventually to feel accepted past the other. Intimacy is not sexual intercourse, although sexual intercourse may exist 1 of many expressions of intimacy. When 2 strangers see they have a stimulus that alerts one or both to take find of the other.

Effective Communication

Constructive advice is critical to successful relationships. Researchers and therapists have found at least nine skills that can help couples learn to talk effectively well-nigh of import problems (Gottman 1994; Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg 2010; Schramm and Harris 2011). How we collaborate near issues such as time spent together/apart, money, wellness, gender differences, children, family, friends, commitment, trust, and intimacy affects our ability to develop and maintain lasting marital friendships. If learned well, these nine skills can assist put our relationships on a positive trajectory for success. (Note: The word "matrimony" is interchangeable with "relationship," if you lot are not married.)

What Do Couples Talk About?

• Time Together/Apart. Both the quantity and quality of time we spend together influence the wellbeing of our marital friendships. Spending time apart participating in other activities also influences the well-beingness of our relationships.
• Money. How nosotros call back and talk about money, our spending habits, and our ability to budget, invest, and plan for the future impact couple financial management processes and practices.
• Health. Couples must talk well-nigh many health-related issues, including nutrition, exercise, illness, disease, accidents, health care, mortality, and expiry.
• Men/Women. Because men tend to be more than task-oriented in their advice styles and women tend to be more procedure-oriented, men tend to want to solve bug immediately, while women tend to desire to talk almost them more and come to a consensus about what should be done.
• Children. How children develop physically, socially, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually are ofttimes topics of discussion. Focusing on the best ways to consistently meet children'due south needs is considered being child-centered.
• Family unit/In-Laws/Friends. Couples often talk about situations and circumstances surrounding the interactions they take with their closest relationships.

What do couples communicate when they are communicating?

• Commitment. How nosotros "hang in at that place" and contribute to our marital friendship, fifty-fifty when things aren't going particularly well, is a sign of how committed we are to our human relationship. Loyalty and fidelity are aspects of delivery and trust.
• Trust. Trusting relationships are relationships in which both partners are dependable, available to support each other, and responsive to each other's needs. An ability to negotiate conflict and a positive outlook about the time to come of the human relationship are also components of trust.
• Intimacy. The social, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and physical connections we make with each other determine the levels of intimacy we experience in our relationships.

What practise couples argue about?

Because the items listed above are some of the major topics couples talk well-nigh, it follows that they are too the aforementioned topics that can spur disagreements. For instance, it is a familiar joke that people can have difficulties in their relationships with in-laws. Take for example, "What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Answer: 1 is 'Wanted!'" Sayings such as these underscore the importance of knowing how your relationships with others can touch on your marriage and could potentially go the topic of a marital conflict.

Learning and Practicing New Habits

Effective communication isn't piece of cake. Teaching and learning new advice skills take patience, patience, patience, as well equally practice, do, do. Taking the time to talk is important. Your human relationship provides a safe place to share feelings, thoughts, fears, dreams, and hopes. Make a special effort to notice time to talk to your partner more than often. In tough times, people feel overwhelmed with worries and responsibilities.

Time together every bit a couple is often the terminal thing on our minds every bit nosotros bargain with the hassles of daily life. Although you may be busy, stressed, and worried, take the time to focus on your partners' needs and spend quality time together without interruption. Even a few minutes a day talking about what has occurred can be a relief from stress. Exist thoughtful by considering whether those difficult or trouble-solving discussions could be reserved for other times when you and your partner are not tired or distracted.

You lot may need to be the one who starts conversations. Information technology is worth it to exist the one who initiates conversations. You lot can find many ways to open the door for communication if yous are sensitive to changes in your partner'due south feelings and needs. Taking the time to heed keeps the lines of communication open and improves your relationship.

Finding Fourth dimension to Talk

• Spend time talking with limited interruptions.
• Brand a engagement to talk to your partner.
• Programme at least one routine family time each calendar week.
• Talk instead of watching Goggle box.
• Talk when yous take a walk together.
• Talk while you piece of work together on household chores.
• Talk in the auto while traveling to activities.

Summing It Up

In practiced times and bad, couples need each other. Expert communication does not mean that your family unit won't have any issues, or that your partner volition e'er like what y'all have to say. Good communication means the chances of solving problems are much higher if you and your partner tin can express yourselves openly and freely with each other.

For couples today, in that location is an abundance of data on how to sustain healthy, happy marital relationships. From how-to books to advice given on goggle box and radio, couples are bombarded with strategies, tips, and techniques focused on "what to practice" in their relationships. Most of this information assumes that if couples follow a few short rules, then they can have happy relationships. What well-nigh fail to realize is that these new, positive practices won't piece of work without recognizing and addressing what has been done and what is not working. Virtually information available to couples falls short on giving examples of "what not to do" in a relationship. Advice is the primal, but it is hard to apply constructive strategies to harmful interactions.

4 negative patterns of interaction have been demonstrated as major destroyers of marital relationships:

• Criticism
• Antipathy
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Criticism

Criticism is using hurtful or judgmental comments aimed at your partner'south character or personality. With criticism, the blame is placed on the person and not the problematic behavior. Criticism tends to be a repetitive cycle—a single disquisitional moment can terminate up in a connected exchange. Most critical statements can be recognized by the phrases, "you always" or "you never." The post-obit are some examples of criticism:

• You never cease any project that you start. Y'all're so lazy.
• When we get out to eat, you always embarrass me with your tabular array manners.

Contempt

Contempt is a more complex negative interaction. Information technology is an effort to psychologically corruption your partner through disrespectful statements and actions. Antipathy has both verbal and non-verbal deliveries. Verbal examples of antipathy include sarcasm, hostile humor, and mockery. For example, nonverbal displays of contempt include rolling of the eyes and sucking of the teeth during conflict. Antipathy sends your partner a message of contemptuousness—that they are inferior and worthless.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is oftentimes a natural response to receiving criticism and contempt. When faced with criticism and contempt, most people find a need to defend themselves. However, couples can be defensive even when criticism is constructive. Defensiveness may be a response to previous, current, and/or time to come attacks. If 1 or both persons are interim defensively, it is well-nigh likely the case they are not listening. Defensiveness may take many forms including:

• Making excuses for behavior
• Repeating a statement for consequence
• Denying responsibility for actions
• Answering a complaint with another complaint

Stonewalling

The final negative pattern of interaction is stonewalling. Equally the proper noun implies, this occurs when partners "put a wall" around themselves, either physically or psychologically. Stonewalling is often used to subtract conflict, and when delivered in moderation, can be healthy. On the other hand, continual failure to respond and/or engage in conversation escalates rather than reduces disharmonize. Examples of stonewalling include:

• Leaving the room
• Putting a physical barrier between y'all and your partner (newspaper, volume, child)
• Focusing intently on something other than your partner during a give-and-take
• Failure to actively listen
• Responding with a blank stare

What can be washed?

All of the above can go patterns of interaction within a relationship. I negative interaction leads to some other, oftentimes in a repetitive cycle. The following suggestions tin can be used to break the wheel and promote a healthy human relationship:

1. Eliminate criticism. Use complaints. It is okay to complain well-nigh troublesome behaviors. Discussing your feelings nigh the behavior is okay equally long as there are no personal attacks. Apply the discussion I instead of you and describe how the behavior makes you feel. Talk about the behavior and non the person.
   • Example: "When we go out to consume, you lot always embarrass me," becomes "I feel hurt and ashamed when you make fun of me in public.
2. Build on your friendship base. Validate your partner and his/her feelings, thoughts, needs, and desires, etc.
   • Example: "I recognize that you need to talk more about our human relationship. What is on your mind?"
3. Take accountability and responsibility for your own actions. Practise not make excuses. Apologize and correct the behavior (if possible).
   • Example: "I'k lamentable that I yelled at you earlier. I've been under a lot of force per unit area at work, simply it is unfair to take it out on you."
4. Apply reflective listening. Repeat what your partner has stated and then respond. Show them that you are listening and hearing them.
   • Case: Partner 1: "I would capeesh it if you would talk to me before you discipline the kids. That way nosotros tin can exist a united front." Partner 2: "What I'one thousand hearing is that you would like for the states to talk well-nigh disciplining the kids before I brand whatsoever decisions. I think that is a good thought.
5. Continue dating. Brand a indicate to rekindle the dating attribute of your human relationship.
   • Example: Go for walks, hold hands, act light-headed, etc. Find ways to show appreciation to your partner throughout the day (i.east., east-mails, notes, phone calls, etc.)
6. Seek help if needed. If you can place these negative interactions in your relationship or yous call up you lot may need help, see a licensed marriage and family unit therapist or other professional. Do not try and fix everything on your own.
   • Example: Talk to a trusted family member, friend, or your local extension agent in guild to find resource in your area.

Before a couple can acquire and/or do new routines in their relationship, they must rid themselves of the sometime ways that aren't working. It is of import to beginning place negative patterns and destructive behaviors and target them for change. At that indicate, the couple can begin rebuilding their human relationship.

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Source: https://med.libretexts.org/Bookshelves/Health_and_Fitness/Book:_Health_Education_%28Rienk_and_Lundin%29/04:_Relationships_and_Communication/4.03:_Theories_of_Mate_Selection

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